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Match Report England v Australia at Edgbaston 2nd August 2009
Having had nothing to talk about since
planning funerals and comforting teenage spinners, this being the silly
season, what better to write about than a pop festival or a test match.
Both have elements of carnival, colour, atrocious weather conditions,
high drama and alternate boredom, expensive food and drink and bossy
security dudes. It was a tense trip up, her indoors driving as a penance
for mishearing a weather forecast on Thursday that suggested further
rain in Brum. As I drove back down the M5 in bright sunshine and hearing
that 30 overs would be played, thus not only had we missed the rump of a
day’s cricket but also would get no refund, I confess to damning in the
most voluble terms the day we met.
And so, having had a brush with said security people who argued that
Jenny’s bottle of elderberry cordial was in fact 120% proof Polish vodka
(sorted by me saying ‘taste it you twat ‘ as any self respecting leader
of the Tory party might say) we got into the Raglan stand, mercifully a
long way from the Barmy Army. Play was delayed by an hour so time for
coffee, Marstons Pedigree on draught and a pasty. Out come our heroes
Strauss and Bell (not my particular favourite but this passed unremarked
as he was on his home ground and there were a lot of Brummies about).I
have seen Strauss make three test match tons, all crucial in the context
of the game, once here, once in India and at the Oval. He looked on for
another century but was also pushing hard for runs and so gloved
Hilfenhaus to Manou. Shane Warne has taken to calling Ian Bell the
Shermanator, after a film character, the implication being that Bell is
a dorkish prat. Uneasy as this makes me, he does have a point. No doubt
Bell has bags of talent, he is an ex England youth captain, his name
rumored to be penciled in by the ECB as FEC, future England captain.
Mike Atherton, also burdened by this moniker had it translated to him as
F**king Educated C**t, Bell might be happier with this version than
Warne’s soubriquet. Almost falling over when luckily not given LBW to
the ill-fated Mitchell Johnson, he did look panic stricken and, it has
to be said, like a rather lost little boy.
What followed, after Bell and Collingwood departed, was pure theatre,
Freddie and his Dreamers. The normally tedious Barmy Army, chanting
‘Super, super Fred ‘,were in an almost orgasmic state as he spanked the
hapless bowlers to all parts of the ground. Not to be outdone Matt Prior
hit juicy shots with impressive power and timing, but he lived in the
shadow of a very big man: these two had England scoring at 5 an over.
What anti climax as our champion was caught out by a high bounce from
Hauritz, off spinners were to figure very much in this day. A precocious
innings from Stuart Broad, intermixed with the uncomplicated swatting of
a bouncer free Swann, got the score up to an unlikely lead of 118.We
were happy, very happy in fact as this could have been a different story
to tell but much better was to come, the demise of Ricky Ponting. That
he was bowled through the gate by Swann was a great result but what was
better was the way Swann tormented him in the previous five balls. So
the day ended with a possible England win on Monday; do we come back
tomorrow, what a prospect.
Why do I hate the Barmy Army? It’s because they have brought in this
negative football fan culture which gets its kicks from chanting insults
at the opposition and has a one-eyed stance on its own team until
weaknesses appear. Ponting was booed as he came out to chants of ‘who
are ya?’ I wanted shout ‘who is he, he is Australia’s highest test run
scorer of all time that’s who you mongoloid, pathetic ignorant wankers’
But who is going to listen when you are surrounded by the din of this
self promoting all white Sturm Abteilung that purports to be England’s
official ‘supporters?
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2-9-04 'It never ceases to
amaze me how some people reveal a part of them that you did not think
likely or possible. You may think I refer to
the six wicket haul of our redoubtable captain, well overdue, and you
might be right. Happy accident on a pitch
which was just right for his gentle deviation off the pitch is a view
worth taking. It has been sometimes a common
sight to see twos slow bowlers vanish into the haze caused by the
smoke from overworked bats, Jamer being a particular sufferer in the
past but he had his revenge. He backed
himself but not to the extent of keeping himself on; or maybe the 6,
4, and sundries off his last over influenced the decision.
I like the way he sent yours truly to have a go at the vicious
slogger expecting equal treatment. The guy
who took 7 for them bowled a similar if quicker style so good choice
and good captaincy. Not it wasn't that.
Maybe it was trying to get Dave Green, a mild and gentle man,
to restrain himself with 15 overs to go and one wicket left.
Dave sees stars, red lights and deep mists when he bats, a
brooding violence takes hold, almost a pathological desire to smash
the thing anywhere. I
t was quite scary at times when you bat with someone whose
normal smiley visage is disfigured by a crude primeval blood lust.
No not that. Was it the hunched
shambling figure of Allen, a crippled victim
of years of crouching behind the stumps,
continually belting the ball into mid wicket, relying on dropped catch
after dropped catch for his 50 (which alas eluded him on the basis of
probability theory), no I don't think so.
Was it Pierre, a mighty wafter of the willow, perishing runless to a
rare catch and who could not stop himself from bemoaning his poor luck
at such injustice, no probably not. Fast
Eddie, his tracer bullets zipping into the ground, did not begin the
rout , now that was a surprise but he cleaned them out just the same,
apologising for the (ho ho) misdirected
bouncers. Nope not him.
No I tell you what it was, it was the rounders and in
particular the likes of Holder who took the game far too seriously to
the point when the umpire had to revert to the non existent rule book
to see if yellow cards were an option open to him.
What is the matter with these people that, notwithstanding 1000
runs in the season, they need to get all fired up over a kids game,
bringing the game into disrepute, unable to
take a joke, what is the world coming to when grown men .....blah blah
(turn to page 94)
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19-8-04
Captaincy , especially of
the Twos, is never easy. It is particularly
difficult when key players are late for whatever reason.
Hence, when the received wisdom is to bowl first on a wet wicket,
Jamer batted with 9 men ready at 2.00pm.This decision was probably fatal
, certainly for the batsmen coming in at 1 to 8.The game could have been
won anyway, despite this set back but more of that later.
A rather ancient bowler (he is at least 65) in a white beeny hat
, tossed up a series of slow mortar shells; accurate, with some guile
and a little movement (if you think I am sticking up for grey haired
spinners, you may have a point). These bombs
blew apart wicket after wicket , each was given up to this deceitful
stuff by batsmen who failed to master basic slow bowling on a sticky
dog .The only really bright light was Kent who manfully scored 21 and so
Birdlip fell apart to rather innocuous bowling.
That is until Jamer at 9 , assisted by John Pedra , added enough
vital runs to put up a score of 129, which should have been enough.
However, Nemesis, in the shape of
dropped catches, awaited. There were a total
of 8, though that may not be right, some of which were difficult and
some easy though the definition of easy is debatable when you consider
how it was made to look like taking a snorter one handed at deep long
leg. But that is why we are in the twos.
Poor Ben Symcox, who bowled very well, at time brilliantly, was
denied his 5for by collective incompetence.
His match winning spells foundered on his fielders but he never showed
his exasperation, that will come later when he
is old enough to swear at such displays (and when he takes his catches
as well). He was assisted by Kent who also was
an excellent support. Other and more
senior bowlers left something to be desired on a helpful wicket.
Jamer in the fining session after castigated his team and
rightfully so. He was not fined for winning
the toss, the rest of us coughed up for the guilt trip this game
had become. I am glad to see that losing still hurts for some
people, humility in a poor performance should generate some
resolve to do better next week; I bloody hope so.
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17-5-04
My congratulations to Towner and the first team to win their first game
in somewhat controversial circumstances. I suspect the replay will also
have it's moments. I would suggest that the team travel over there on
the roller which, I think, would demonstrate a commitment to ' a level
playing field', all puns intended. It would also assist if Steady were
to be given Andy Heiron’s level set up parallel with the popping crease
notwithstanding taking a hologram of the Laws of Cricket suitable for
display on the sight screens. It must have been a little disconcerting
to run into Mad Dog in a less than auspicious occasion though he appears
to me to have become slightly more civilised by second team standards, a
bit like Marvin Hagler before anyone actually hit him. I did detect a
glimmer of a smile talking to him after, or did I just see his teeth.
Great to see Charlie back in a gritty mood, playing shots only he can
and Georgie proves the value of those of us who always said he had it in
him, it might just take a little time. Steve was always a supporter and
it was nice to see it vindicated though I congratulate those involved in
his selection as well. I might have said that I taught him everything he
knew but the lack of any desire to employ the deadly full bunger
suggests otherwise. Overall it looked a team that meant business and
played with some determination not to cave in under pressure. Others
might castigate themselves for poor shots or dropped catches or
whatever but it is a team game played by this club and that is what must
come first and last.
CPC.
PS
.As we all know history belongs to those that write it ; all
participants of the fantasy league be warned!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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