Match Report England v Australia at Edgbaston 2nd August 2009

Having had nothing to talk about since planning funerals and comforting teenage spinners, this being the silly season, what better to write about than a pop festival or a test match. Both have elements of carnival, colour, atrocious weather conditions, high drama and alternate boredom, expensive food and drink and bossy security dudes. It was a tense trip up, her indoors driving as a penance for mishearing a weather forecast on Thursday that suggested further rain in Brum. As I drove back down the M5 in bright sunshine and hearing that 30 overs would be played, thus not only had we missed the rump of a day’s cricket but also would get no refund, I confess to damning in the most voluble terms the day we met.
And so, having had a brush with said security people who argued that Jenny’s bottle of elderberry cordial was in fact 120% proof Polish vodka (sorted by me saying ‘taste it you twat ‘ as any self respecting leader of the Tory party might say) we got into the Raglan stand, mercifully a long way from the Barmy Army. Play was delayed by an hour so time for coffee, Marstons Pedigree on draught and a pasty. Out come our heroes Strauss and Bell (not my particular favourite but this passed unremarked as he was on his home ground and there were a lot of Brummies about).I have seen Strauss make three test match tons, all crucial in the context of the game, once here, once in India and at the Oval. He looked on for another century but was also pushing hard for runs and so gloved Hilfenhaus to Manou. Shane Warne has taken to calling Ian Bell the Shermanator, after a film character, the implication being that Bell is a dorkish prat. Uneasy as this makes me, he does have a point. No doubt Bell has bags of talent, he is an ex England youth captain, his name rumored to be penciled in by the ECB as FEC, future England captain. Mike Atherton, also burdened by this moniker had it translated to him as F**king Educated C**t, Bell might be happier with this version than Warne’s soubriquet. Almost falling over when luckily not given LBW to the ill-fated Mitchell Johnson, he did look panic stricken and, it has to be said, like a rather lost little boy.
What followed, after Bell and Collingwood departed, was pure theatre, Freddie and his Dreamers. The normally tedious Barmy Army, chanting ‘Super, super Fred ‘,were in an almost orgasmic state as he spanked the hapless bowlers to all parts of the ground. Not to be outdone Matt Prior hit juicy shots with impressive power and timing, but he lived in the shadow of a very big man: these two had England scoring at 5 an over. What anti climax as our champion was caught out by a high bounce from Hauritz, off spinners were to figure very much in this day. A precocious innings from Stuart Broad, intermixed with the uncomplicated swatting of a bouncer free Swann, got the score up to an unlikely lead of 118.We were happy, very happy in fact as this could have been a different story to tell but much better was to come, the demise of Ricky Ponting. That he was bowled through the gate by Swann was a great result but what was better was the way Swann tormented him in the previous five balls. So the day ended with a possible England win on Monday; do we come back tomorrow, what a prospect.
Why do I hate the Barmy Army? It’s because they have brought in this negative football fan culture which gets its kicks from chanting insults at the opposition and has a one-eyed stance on its own team until weaknesses appear. Ponting was booed as he came out to chants of ‘who are ya?’ I wanted shout ‘who is he, he is Australia’s highest test run scorer of all time that’s who you mongoloid, pathetic ignorant wankers’ But who is going to listen when you are surrounded by the din of this self promoting all white Sturm Abteilung that purports to be England’s official ‘supporters?’