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28-6-08
Well done to Ian and 1st team for an overwhelming win at Kings
Stanley. When we arrived, there was a wedding reception at the
ground, we were soon looking to see where Ron and Greener had
disappeared to. Ron was thinking about getting in on the end of
the photo shoot (possibly in his birthday suit) and Greener with
thoughts of tapping up the bridesmaids for their phone numbers.
Eventually everyone took the usual pitch inspection including
"Self-A" Buse who was making his 1st team debut. Wanting to look
part of the team he studied the wicket and said "there's a dip
on the wicket" Trev replied "Yes we know, we're all looking at
you". Greener led the way with fortuitous 96, I think the only
people who didn't drop him on the field of play was the umpires.
At home The Fox was rather less happy, Saracens did to us what
we did to Cinderford (scored over 300) Unfortunately he couldn't
remonstrate with his bowlers as he suffered the same fate of
figures worst than the London Olympics Committee's balance
sheet. 29 Birdlip wides (5 extra overs to bowl) the umpires must
have looked like they were exercising to an aerobic video with all those
arms flapping around. Roger's dental expertise was called upon.
He suggested that we looked for a bit of chipped tooth for one
of their batsmen who was hit in the mouth. Have you ever seen
four grown men looking for something white a bit bigger than a
grain of sand in the whitewash of the popping crease? The
absurdity was spotted far too late as Rodge wants to charge the
guy £40 for the privilege!!
Once the 1st returned they brought back a much missed activity
at the club, footie. Harry Partridge and Lloyd Moore were the
only 2nds to join in till their dad's called them in, just like
we all remember. At this point I think I saw Chris smile at
last, or I might have been wind. Chazzer played out wide and
wider and wider, once the momentum of weight started to go there
was no coming back. Ken had to be reminded all time time we were
not playing rugby. Ian goal hanged after ten minutes, not that
he was greedy for goals, just didn't have enough puff to get
back and defend. Toby flew like the wind till "Self-A" Buse
hacked him down, the best treatment for young fast cocky
footballers.
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26-6-08
Late report this but plenty to tell. An enjoyable Friday evening
game caused a bit a stir though, when all the Chinese community
south of Birmingham ran out of the their houses when Towner
dived, yes dived, for a ball.
The Worm has turned. After weeks of child abuse the kids have
hit back, literally. Young lad from Corse and Staunton scores a
half century to help win the game and his highlight must have
been giving the treatment to the ol' Fox, WHACK! six, out the
attack. Harry Partridge succumbed to a first baller on Sunday
when a kid who could just about see over the stumps sent him
quickly back to whence he come from. Talking of first ballers, a
confident "Self-A"Buse joined the club, he better talk to Tom
about "set aside", the tenner he bet Greener on reaching 1000
runs looks as though it's going Greener's way in September.
In a
general chat about how everyone's sisters are, Lloyd was quizzed
about whether he had a sister (no not by Greener) when he
replied he had a twin sister I'm sure I heard someone ask
whether they were identical!!.
We would like know who dressed the 2nd team against Corse?
Lloyd was wearing Towner's jumper and why is Chris wearing
Jenny's slacks. He needed to put jam on his shoes and invite his
trousers down to tea.
We all think we can run a quick single well, John Jessop in his
sixties called for one on Sunday, our oldest player made his
ground but the 1st team skipper only just made his ground due to
a poor throw. Greener survived and helped himself to Sunday pie
chucking to the tune of 121. Birdlip went out to field later and
Trev wore one of the new club long sleeve tops, Allen said they
look bit whoosie, fine remark from someone wearing every jumper
in his bag and what he could find lying around the clubhouse. No
need for carbon dating there, judging by the layers he must well
into his fifties.
We thought we had a new player on Wednesday until we realized
Big Rob shaved off George's hair whilst in a drunken state. When
quizzed about back, crack and sack as well there were no denials
forth coming, initially? Phil looked surprised on first sighting
then told George to watch out, as he had done the same and it
only grew back round the sides. We hoped George would bowl
quicker, but no! We actually won on Wednesday after a barren
spell. Might have been a bit easier if Dan reached/jumped a bit
more above his head to take a catch off his own bowling. He said
"I'm too short to reach that", Trev retorted "I think you'll
find it's too fat to reach that." |
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14-6-08 1st
arrived at Frocester, disappointed that they were too early for
the beer festival. They wondered who was playing there already,
a youth match, NO, wrong ground boys 4th play elsewhere, head towards the pub with
Guy outside, (Guy, stop taking pre-match routine advice from
Knockers), turn left, head on for ONLY a mile, unlike Ken who
went as far as a Steve Ryan overshoot, well, not quite that far.
And BEWARE of a red Mini that woke Charlie up as he had to go
off road to avoid HER! Women driv....! |
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7-6-08
No much to say but picture this.
Storming Norm chasing a ball at The Spa ground, cricket trouser
pockets loaded with phone, wallet and keys, gravity was
certainly apparent for all to see despite a one handed effort on
the run to stop it. |
7-6-08 What a weekend, "Self A"-Buse hits
the highest individual Birdlip score for sometime. 151 runs or
was that the aggregate age of the opposition. I was bemused how
they all travelled from Cinderford as most of them were not old
enough to drive, they must have come in a big yellow bus singing
"the wheels of the bus go around and around". 363 we
scored, even Lord Ward found the boundary, mind you I notice
that with the help of the hose pipe, part of the boundary was 10
yards shorter than normal. Pars with 80, or are we back to age
again, clocking more runs than balls, surreal. This seemed to
get his hormones going, later Kent was heard telling him to
"leave my nuts alone". He was asking people when they
last had sex, not
a fair comment from a boasting farmer with various (species)
opportunities. The clubhouse started to turn into a
www.bonkacricketer.com chatroom at this point.
.
(Sorry boys and girls, this is a
first, The Mole's been censored)
We've all seen Homer salivate saying "beeeeer", Skipper 'Silver
Rick O'Shea Fox' Cotterell was the exactly the same as the
opposition arrived, "rrrrrabbits" or rather "baby rrrrabbits"
hoping to build on his wicket count. It was a day Chris could
hit any one of them between the eyes and still be in with an LBW
shout. It was later pointed out that if none of our batsmen went
out to bat and just let the opposition bowl 45 overs, we would
have accumulated enough runs in extras to beat their score
anyway.
The spirit was high as our score long after the mis-match was
over, with banter and a some chat from the ever so reserved
James "Self-A" Buse, hardly mentioned his batting, nor in Ciren
later or texted anyone, not even sick the once from all the
celebratory drinking. Sorry I mis-interpreted that last
sentence, make your own conclusions.
In The Slug & Lettice just after Bimb said "you never catch me
in a pub wearing a cricket top", some busty blond asked to
stroke Buse's cricket sweater. The boy's (the single ones of
course) then seriously thought about their attire for a Saturday
night on the town. Despite Buse's efforts to arrange a meeting
at The Rock (club) later, like a B-Movie DVD with an
interesting cover, she was only interested in the cover not the
contents. The eleventh hour approached and I'm not sure if
everyone in the pub got to hear the news of Buse's child abuse,
sorry run tally, I'm sure he was looking for the PA system
before time was called
Good to see plenty of feedback from the weekend, Fez it's not me
you need to be worried about it's your best man's speech, not
that I know anything!!.
Late information from Churchdown
match, I always thought they were in a different time zone down
there.
During a chat over tea at
Churchdown (chilli cone carne no less) a discussion ensued about
the grimace Andy Ward pulls when bowling his effort ball & how
frightening it must be for the batsman. Dave Green remarked "I
wondered what his face must be like at the height of passion",
to which Mr Buse replied "It's the same!". Draw your own
conclusions.
Lastly own up if you
clicked on the link above..................... it's not real,
I've checked |
4-6-08
Wednesday game
went ahead after the previous days down pours, with the
sun shining bright in The Shire, but not long enough into the
evening for some, just ask Roger

Kent in Collingwood style took the best diving catch you'll
see for sometime, (1st of three), afterwards he picked himself
up coughing and spluttering, unfortunately he landing like
parachutist who picked up little Johny's school rucksack by
mistake. Ken was on hot form with the banter, not so hot on the
fielding, but better than Ian's or so everybody told him in the
bar. Ian was advised to move himself from the in field to the
boundary to save the fours, Ken retorted " it will still be
four". When someone dived for the ball in vain, Ken again "least
he tried" reference to Ian's incident below. |
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31-5-08 BOGS
(Birdlip Old Gits) Pars and Wardy was very scathing about me
Saturday night. Firstly Trev had to correct them about no 2nds
mentioned in my report as there was. Admittedly I can’t see
everything and they have only themselves to blame if no one
keeps me informed from the 2nds. Secondly they said “I suppose
Trev will get mentioned a lot” in my report. I have no bias to
anyone and the fact Trev got 63 runs hit 10 fours, also took 2
wickets will not mean he will be reported on. And he took a
catch, I’m still not thinking about mentioning him.
Andy Hussey saw action for the first time this season, some said
he was just making up the numbers
(he was) but he inspired Toby “Pretty Boy” (Andy’s words) Harris
to a 5 wicket haul. Mind you one of his victims will certainly
bring back Picky’s Porkers to the website. Despite a good
drumming of the Ciren Boys, we saw more drops at Birdlip than a
Jonny Wilkinson training session, even the reliable Ian has now
dropped 3 on the bounce. His goalkeeping dive reminiscent of a
Kevin Pressman (Sheff Wed) who had more pies than normal.
Talking of pies (eating rather than throwing) I think salad
dodger Darren has been modeling himself of the Towner chase,
turn (yawn!) and throw.
2nds (yes you do get a mention) joined in the winning ways with
James “Self A-” Buse giving it the treatment with the bat. James
with Allen and Ron joining in, accumulated 8 sixes, anybody
would think the Fox was bowling for the opposition. Saying that,
the skipper played his part with 4 wickets and useful 17no, but
the mumblings from his own troops are still ringing around the
Shire of manipulated (Skipping does what he likes) child abuse
for several games now. |
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24-5-08
Life is on the up for the 2nds and
down for the 1st whilst the skipper of sunning himself, is he
missed? "Ian who" somebody just shouted. Any botanist amongst
you can go down to Frampton in a couple of months time see the
rewards of Dan's thowing up in the hedge with rare wild flowers
benefiting from all those nutrients. On the other hand they
might be dead from alcohol poisoning. We all thought Michael
Flatly was batting for us at Frampton. Legs were going
everywhere, on closer inspection it was Coops taking avoiding
action, admittedly the bowler was quick. BBQ'd has been proposed
by Roger Moore and since be seconded by Trev and Dave Partridge
to be put forward by MCC for another means of getting out. (If
you wondering, BBQ'd = Fired LBW without using guidelines from
the rules of cricket)
21-5-08
The Mole took a trip down the road
this evening to soak up the Indo-Carribbean atmosphere in
Brockworth. Boys were in the changing room having the usual
chat, Trev said "looks like a team full of batsmen tonight",
everybody went "aaaah, ohhh" when Knockers entered the room. I
watched with my friends the rabbits (not you Toby) as Birdlip
got off to a flying start. Birdlip's own KP smashed 34 out of 35
in 3.5 overs to scare the opposition to sledge each other in
Patois. Farmer Parsons stuck around doggedly for 8 in 7 overs.
Every other 'Shire' batsman struggled to hit the ball until
'Ripper' Griffiths started to open his shoulders (which had the
keeper reaching for his deodorant). He was caught on the
boundary by Chesney who then staggered back with the force of
the shot over the line right under the watching eyes of 'Rolf'
Partridge. Allen by the way later bravely rescued a hedgehog
from some netting & commented "F***ing hell, he's prickly!".
Birdlip set Bharat 126 to win (about 40 short). Bharat started
slowly in the first over (4 runs from the Ginger Ninja) but
picked up the rate off Big Knockers (17). He was quickly
replaced by Stuart Malfoy Toby Broad-Harris who decided that a
drink in the Cross Hands later was not on the cards by inviting
Smasher Dave to damage the roof of said establishment. Some
wickets fell but not the run-rate. Birdlip lost in the 14th
over.
I said that last week was easy & this would be different. Also
nice to see the 'Sub Man' was back tonight diving & rolling the
pitch for the hosts. I had a few beers with the rabbits then
headed home to break in to the clubhouse to watch a penalty
shoot-out between Chichester United & Chavsea. Good luck to the
firsts this Saturday at Frampton. I may hide in someone's car to
travel down to watch Driver-Dickenson lose his temper again.
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17-5-08
It took to the fourth weekend (at
Churchdown) and a second teamer before the inevitable comment
was made! James Buse added "Roger Moore - Licence to thrill"
after the fielders stunning tumbling catch to remove a tail end
slogger.
Trying to help the Fox with the scoring some hairy individual
called "bowlers name??!!" to the field.
"Singh" was the reply
"Whats - the - bowlers - name......." in his best Tom Jones
returned from the pavillion................. |
17-5-08
Mr Mole watched a fascinating game today. Birdlip turned up in
good spirits, ready to repeat last weeks performance. Prakash &
'Mad' Dave opened the bowling & did well. They forced Apperley
to lose their first wicket to a run out. There was a run, if
both had gone straight away instead of admiring the fielding.
Apperley seemed to want to pile on the runs quick as they could,
looking to force the bowling despite some nutter in a helmet
close enough to read the batsmen shoe size. 'Mad' Dave picked up
the wicket of a 'Fat lad' through a freakish catch by Knockers.
He stuck out his left hand running back and with the bias of his
belly to get the extra inch or so it stuck!! His one for the
season. Wickets became hard to come by other than the suicidal
running of the batsmen, there were more run outs at Birdlip than
a incontinence convention. Apperley scored 205 including 25
wides, I'm sure I so a least one of the umpires managed to elevate through
his arm flapping so much. If we have a repeat performance please could
Knockers, The Ginger Ninja & Toby 'Malfoy' Harris notify
Staverton Air Traffic Control before they next perform.
Birdlip started their innings with confidence. Nitin tried to
remove the leather from his first ball. Guy 'Banger' Partridge
went for 1, quickly pursued by 'Grass is' Greener for 4. Ken
'The Submarine' Griffiths stuck it out to watch Toby caught
behind off the seventh legal ball of the over then Uncle Trev
perished 2nd ball to a dubious LBW. Kent P helped Sub Man to
amass some runs before losing his head & his stumps. Ginger
Ninja went first ball then 'Sub Man' went next ball leaving
Prakash & Knockers to get over a run a ball. Knockers fell to a
ball held up by the wind trying to endanger the school which
brought 'Mad' Dave to the crease.....
We eventually fell 35 runs short of the Apperley score.
Played 3, won 2, lost 1. Not bad, but next week we MUST do
better |
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14-5-08
With Knockers getting some rough treatment from one of
Westbury's batman he was relieved to bag a wicket. Ron said "you
took a while finding your length", the gathering players all
thought Kim probably has the same problem. Good to see Kent
reach his fifty, trouble was when the huge crowd in the pavilion
saw the red face and puffing of cheeks when he returned we
thought it a was another Partridge, "Storming Norm". |
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10-5-08
Nitin arrived leading a convoy to Oldlands from the club using
TrevTrev navigation system, whilst Andy Ward and Kent manage to
navigate themselves from Berkeley (1m from the ground) to
Thornbury, so far south Greener would get a nose bleed. You may
say how can this be possible, well, whilst in Thornbury they
found Dan and Kim up a country lane, we all presume they we lost
as well. With Nitin leading the way with 65 and George with six
of the best the 1st celebrated 126 run victory. Unfortunately
the returning Dave Partridge who's pre-season training amounted
to climbing up into the loft last night to get his kit failed to
avoid being caught of the last ball to get max points haul. The
burning question now is how much is Greener prepared to bribe
himself back into an emphatic winning side, I bet those coppers
are shaking in that purse. Toby Harris had both bad and good
luck, whilst he should have been dishing out child abuse he was
caught after lobbing up a wide leg side full toss, after which
the infamous umpire (Darren's mate- Ciren fixture) signal
wide????? It could have been even off one of the numerous
seventh ball of the over we endured. Then in a manner Picky
would have been proud off, cleaned up the last 2 wickets with
flight and guile of a prime Ginster. Please someone nick that
Boddingtons Pub Guide to cricket of him before next week. |
7-5-08
The Mole has been awoken again by heavy footsteps crashing over
my head tonight.
I put my head up to watch the infamous Wednesday League team
crush a suprisingly weak Marlborough Sterling team.
Farmer Parsons was dismissed cheaply, Kenty Partridge struggled
for a while to hit the ball the square. 'Ee by gum' Green was
thinking about his bowling to come to worry about batting,
scoring only 6. 'Ripper' Griffiths smashed his way to 50 before
retiring. The Heiron Boys added some useful runs.
'Noddy' Holder & 'Flower' Ward were rented to the oppo to make
it 8 a-side. There overs were gratefully accepted by the BBCC
Giants.
Birdlip got off to a good start, Georgina James opened & kept
the dangerous Nititn (traitor) & a solid-looking left-hander
relatively quiet. Knockers bowled a loosener to the dangerous
Shetty & somehow got a wicket!! From there on in it was tragic.
Greener somehow tempted uncle Trev to give his wicket away,
thanks to a tumbling catch from Georgie, after having slammed
the ball for 6 into the far corner of the field. Everyone bowled
& even Farmer Parsons tempted the batsman into getting out.
Good start boys, but the real work starts next week against
Westbury. See you there as I want to see Green bowl again, it
makes my fur tingle & shake with mirth.
On
a closing note, over recent months Ron (Hieron) has been getting
increasingly hairier, it appears on seeing Chris' short back
and sides, he has been using his brother as a donor. Watch for
Ron on TV when they make a new series of Rainbow.
|
26-4-08 Saturday saw
the start of a new season but someone has been planning for some
time for this occasion. Never in the history of cricket has a
captain (Heir Green) planned a bowling strategy so far ahead.
Luckily as Ian is groundsman as well he prepared a wicket so for
up the square he could bring on the spin genius Cotters from one
end and it was a country mile to reach the leg side boundary.
There was a stroke of luck too or just bad foresight as Charlton
Kings lads knows the ways of the Silver Fox (Chris's nickname for
the new boys). Chris was asked "top end" by the skipper, he was
like a kid in candy store.
New boy Matt Roberts made his debut and soon took his first wicket
despite showing no form from the indoor nets. Always a nervous
occasion, Ian sent him to the silver birch on the boundary, when
asked why he stood next to Chris, "you told me to stand next to
the silver berk"
After the game the younger players assembled the new bounce back
catching net, and like all boys do made up little games to play.
Coops, Kent, Dan and little Ken soon had a mishap though. Ken come
into the clubhouse a proudly showed the ass hanging out of his
trouser
Mr Moore of the Psycho variety came creeping up to the ground for
a scouting mission for next weeks encounter against Chelt CS in
the first league match. But with a clever deception of not playing
majority of the team down for next week we out thought him.
Unfortunately this was also a shock to our captain as well. |
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The Mole Archive |
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31-8-04
Saturday’s events
couldn’t have turned out better. Haresfield’s pitch was as soft as
your old man at an orgy when your mothers watching, that’s if
you’re not a bit weird. They were keen to play, especially the
pleasant one who Towner likes putting over the hedge. He had a lot
to say (as usual) considering he wasn’t even playing. It was a
must win the toss situation, they had nothing to lose, we had the
title at stake, lose and Ruardean winning at Arcadians would have
given them top spot, a match they did win. The game was on after a
doubtful start, Greener rallied his troops and said lets go for
it, we’ll show them and then promptly lost the toss. “Not again”
his ensemble mumbled amongst more unprintable comments. We posted
a fairly reasonable 158 and stoutly defended it. Good start then
the game swung in their favour, Moore grumbled, Steady and Tim
lost the art of bowling, oh dear! Then Steady and Knockers
embraced each other, at some pace, whilst going for a catch and
then Steady’s arm rose like Excalibur clutching the ball. So
goodbye to their skipper, sort the bunnies out and thank very
much. 2nds finished on a good note with a comfortable win. Jamer
grabbing 6 wickets, well done, makes a change from a 6-pack
Celebrations were then combined with Dan’s stag night, which has
had more sequels than Rambo. Dan led his mates to the Beer
Festival following events at the club and at some point during the
night, cling film came into the equation. I wasn’t looking as you
needed go eyesight, so I’m told!
The fish and chips with mushy peas on offer at the Golden Heart
was enormous, even Greener had to share some of his with Trev. So
why was Psycho after eating the same plateful still hungry and
what he was going to find in Cotterell’s ear with his tongue is a
mystery.
Thanks Mr C, helpers and Andy, great steaks, for Monday. Rounders
went well and good to see so many locals at the club. The
extension was shown off to most of the benefactors and the
response was positive. We have been notified that the
International Olympic Committee has got word of Chris’ officiating
of the rounders and can he contact them in four years time. Any
incompetent Olympic judge would be proud of such an unparalleled
performance with plenty of room for improvement.
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24-8-04
Can Psycho and Towner keep their domestic tiffs
private, who when and where the tractor is used only matters to
Parsons when doing his favourite pastime, TRACTORRR WHAAATCHING.
The league season draws nearer and much to the delight of many,
especially Towner, we are going up and Churchdown are staying PUT!
Their departing comment recently “See you next year,” has as much
accuracy in it as their wicket.
The lengths some people go to get a free drink. With only a two
runs needed to easily beat Shurdington, hands gestures, shouting,
smoke signals from the Barbie to Trev to say Greener needed only
one run for his 50 and they were getting jug out ready. Facing the
same bowler who he earlier creamed through square leg for four,
Trev batted out the over for a maiden like Steady in a test match.
It worked, cheers Ian.
Andy Heiron man of many talents, master of none so some say, Hi
Claire, has the ability to grow a ginger beard, weird! Some one
did call out the collar and cuffs don’t match (WHO WAS IT?),
tooooo much detail thank you and no more peeping. Can we add Ginge
to his array of nick names?
Sunday saw
Pierre
give a fine performance on our home turf of many strokes to many
parts, a flawless display. Unfortunately it was with a paint brush
rather than a cricket bat. Good done though and thanks to him and
others, (Green’s Ian and Dave I know of) for varnishing the
railings.
Although Picky nearly won his first match as captain and added 30
runs with Trev, it was the first time I saw the keeper out score
the batsman with let through byes. Cornwood next time you come 3
wickets the first over of our innings is not the done thing, we
have already patented the “Spoiler” years ago. |
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18-8-04 Not
much happened this week, 1st Team bounce back on top after a
marginal win over Down Hatherley, maximum points. During the match
Andy’s mate Billy Bunter junior, so young yet such a good judge of
character, called him a F**~ing W~#*er. Andy smiled back whilst
watching his stumps go flying. Ruardean couldn’t stomach that
oasis at Churchdown and cried off, pitch deemed unfit, WHAT!!
Everybody else has played there and put up with it, it’s their
loss though as we leaped frogged them into top stop.
No expense was spared on Sunday, Greener opened the bowling and
right on cue the Red Arrows made a fly pass to honour the
occasion.John Pedra came to the match with somebody else in his
body (remember Men In Black with Will Smith), we know he bat a bit
but 71 and maiden half century.
What a success the decking has been, looks good and well used
already. More people have used it than Chris has called it a
veranda, incorrectly spelt (don't you have spell checker, should
of bought your computer from a decent shop), which it loads and
loads. By the way Chris, definition of veranda is a roofed
terrace, where’s the bloody roof?! All that aside what a great
achievement, cheers |
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3-8-04
Ian came back Euro Disney and from the home of golf to
participate in a low scoring win over Witcombe. He expressed his
enjoyment in his European exploits especially his meeting with
Minnie Mouse. Little did he know when he discretely felt her bum
it was probably a Thai Boy Girl on a holiday job.
Trevor gained a new nickname “Elephant Man” after wearing a
cricket ball at the Painswick Sixes. Yet another free spirit off
to the shops to buy a helmet. We unfortunately bowled ourselves
out of the semi-final after three straight wins. Thanks to the
supporters who came to watch us at Painswick and Down Hatherley.
We all have our opinions of Towner, but when I heard he sent a
text message to Melissa, well. I’m afraid the excuse that it was
Kent’s old mobile that Melissa now has wears a bit thin.
Things children say, drop you in it, embarrass you, make you go
red. Not naming names but we’ve just mentioned her. It’s been said
Allen likes a blond in a little black number, I won’t reveal which
particular blond. By the way Tim not been introduced yet to your
young lady!
What goes hueeee, hueeeee, hueeeeee on the porcelain phone and Oh
shit I got to go home, get ready and get to Down Hatherley by
10.30am when the time is 9.30am and the location is Wardy’s Rough
Cider Parlour. Steady! Main batsman at Down Hatherley, we needed
you primed, not pissed. While we are on the subject of Wardy’s BBQ
I’m led to believe Ben “Tea Time” Breeze has an ally amongst our
ranks. He like’s to scavenge around for scraps of fat left on
plates. Especially when already chewed, his delicacy then has
MOORE (hint) tenderised texture to it. Yuk!
27-7-04 What an outcry! Out of all
the teams we play against in the league who would be the most
likely to give us six out of ten for our pitch? Does shit hole,
bounce up and down like Psycho’s mood on a Saturday afternoon, hay
on the outfield, trains every so often when on time, nowhere to
sit inside, changing room ½ a mile away from the pitch, practice
net barricaded in barbed wire. As Big Rob says “he rather bat
on the M5”. Bristol Travellers on Sunday, after a match had
already been played on it, still gave the pitch 10 out of 10.
At last some sneaking after somebody eaves dropped on an
intellectual conversation.
Ben Breeze to Judgy "are you really a judge?"
Judgy "Am I f***!"
Later.
Ben Breeze to Judgy "what do you do?"
Judgy, "Global cheese marketing for Kraft."
Ben Breeze to Judgy, "where's that based?"
Jamer "Cheddar"
Sunday had a few surprises, not least three catches by Picky, two
of which were taken at second slip, comfortable as you like. Some
say he couldn’t catch a cold but his catching out shone his
bowling Sunday, by some margin, 50 yards three times on the trot
to be exact.
Dan Knock achieved a feat not thought possible on Sunday. A lovely
spread for tea, plenty to go round and plenty left at the end of
the night, with Disco and Ben ‘Tea Time’ Breeze still in the
building it was almost shock of the season.
13-7-04
The
double header against Stinchcombe brought it’s expected incidents.
All started on Friday night, guess who in the pouring rain rolled
and rolled an already rolled pitch. He came into the club house
looking like a drowned rat with a cheesy grin. Guess who didn’t
get the chance to bowl on it?
Only 4 and a bit overs was played by the first team. No time for
aggro you would have thought, wrong. Popplewell ring a bell, déjà
vu moment about to happen. Steady certainly had a pop at
Popplewell when caught behind first ball. Failing to walk again,
not even the four paces he did at their place before he returned
when umpire Stevie Wonder didn’t give the decision. Will Young
look-a-like who was umpiring had to put his finger up several
times before he finally went in the direction Steady was pointing.
The 2nds were left reeling at 12-3 and Stinchcombe were obviously
keen to carry on when the rain stopped. Wonder if the pitch would
have been deemed unfit if the roles was reversed. Thanks to Dave
Green getting amongst the runs we wiped their face in the muddy
conditions.
Thanks to Andy Moore and the rest of the gang who helped get
Sunday off the ground. Steady who had a maiden ton in his sights
will be buying Ditcher a Specsaver voucher and a rule book for
Christmas. His run out was as close (pass the line) as any formula
one driver is to Michael’s red Ferrari. Charlie Pritchard bowled
the shortest two balls I have ever seen, no wonder he rubbed his
shoulder after he virtually wound himself up, all but a few inches
he nearly had to rub his toes instead. Andy Hieron kept wicket for
awhile, kept the kids happy in absence of the bouncy castle, with
his crocodile act. With Jamer bringing the sausages and Steady
punchy from Saturday I feel there’s making of side show here. The
court stood but Greener eluded a fine after hitting a six, over
the shortest boundary, off the Chairman and promptly signalled it
himself. Trev looked worried when summoned in front of the judge
whom he bowled first bowl earlier in the day, bad move! A costly
sentence.
Finally on a serious note, if Jen Bellamy ever does the teas
again, I say ever after the insult, make sure Greener dose not
sample the chocolate sponge. To you and me Scrumptious, to Ian
stodgy and said in front of Jen as well. If meat balls are on the
menu next time Jen dose teas, ask Ian if he still uses his box
before eating them
Thanks to Ditch for his comments ref the website, much
appreciated.
6-7-04
The Birdlip 49's played the first game on Friday
against touring Roxborough. Trouble is with the memory
of old boys is not up to much as only nine of them remember to
turn up.
If any watchers of Friends can remember when
Joey wore all of Chandlers clothes, we had a similar incident at
Cirencester. The wind was blowing strongly across the ground which
was not to Towner's liking. Next thing we saw was a more rotund
than normal multi-layered Steve who looked like he robbed a jumble
sale of all its white jumpers.
Cirencester became another victim of the first team
in a fairly comfortable victory. Only down side was losing a
batting point. When the scores were level and just that winning
run required with 4 overs to do it, Charlie 'Gramps' Harris grew a
trunk and big floppy ears and promptly gave extra cover catching
practice.
21-6-04 The
1st and Wednesday's band wagon rolls
on and with added wins from the 2nds and Sunday's teams
it's been a good week. Andy
Hieron holiday absence has witness no
defeats and he's lucky players have dropped out to let him back
into the team.
Usual fun and games at Shurdington although all ended friendly,
not sure how friendly though. Depends if Towner took up their
young batsmen's offer he received whilst he was fielding at very
short mid on. He would have to take off the helmet he was wearing
at the time to do so! Towner and Greener are obviously have
differences, and apparently they differ in their affinity for
hedges, so we found out at Shurdington. Whilst Towner pretended he
was a bulldozer and ploughed right into the trees till we couldn't
see him, to find the ball. Greener can only be describe as
fornicating with the bushes, on his back with legs flinging
around, for 1MINUTE, eventually retrieving the ball.
Sunday saw a convincing(ish) win against Chelt Police, a fixture
from the past. Eric Moore was their captain, known to some of us
from coming on our tours in the 80's. A proud wearer of the
(missing) club ducks back then, was there a ploy by him Sunday
because once he scored a run he retired injured and did the book.
Would you have thought it a policeman doing paperwork instead of
something practical! One thing to notice on Sunday was "Oops
dropped catch" " Don't give me a ticket officer if you catch me
speeding" "sorry bowler", not once but eight times. Judge Pick
amused the court but not till after he amused us with his bowling.
He had more abortive runs (whilst bowling) than an old bloke with
prostate problems. With his little legs he could take two paces in
the crease so where's the problem. Also amazingly on June 20th,
yes several weeks into the season, the master himself, Mr Pick,
finally captured his first PORKER. Over the years we have become
accustomed to the Brockworth appetite, notably the Cookes
brothers, where plates are never big enough. We now have in our
band of mostly jovial
cricketers a new breed of eater, evolution have taken place since
the Brockworth boys, a more tactical mind. Not one to wait for 45
overs or 5 o'clock. Egging (excuse the pun) the batsmen to declare
before they want to, clapping their innings just to confuse them.
The problem for the captain on the day is he has adjust his
batting ordered to fit in with the dumping arrangements. By the
way have you met Ben Breeze, a new member of the club this year.
7-6-04 Wednesday’s visit to that
batting paradise (cough cough) at Gloucester Harlequins saw
another victory on the Hieron band wagon. Good send off before his
holiday, but wait, he does play Saturday instead of packing his
bags. Or did his good lady pack them for him? What surprises
awaits him when he unpacks when he get’s there? Will he only have
the underwear he’s wearing and emulate Parse on tour.
Greener also marches on with a comfortable win on Saturday. Nitin
found there’s life after 28 runs but needed to draw blood (dropped
catch -5 points) first to give him to impetus. A part from one
incident the team like Wednesday’s all pulled together to achieve
another enjoyable game with a winning result. We have seemed to up
our game from last year in both competitions yet still play for
the enjoyment and fun, long may the team spirit continue with the
likes of Andy and Ian at the helm and winning matches can be the
cherry on the top.
Talking of team spirit, it doesn’t stop you from sending in any
gossip so let me have any worthwhile info.
Have you ever seen precision engineering in a changing room. For
players at Arcadians with had a demonstration from Towner of such
exact, planned and beautifully executed fitting of not one but two
bat handle rubbers. Bollocks was it, first one ripped, first
cheer. Then stumps, mop and bit a shirt ( and probably stomach )
caught up, grunting, cursing, “Oh dear I shouldn’t have done that”
all added to our amusement. Amazingly though he eventually
succeeded.
Last weekend saw one or two last minute transfers take place, were
you one of the unfortunate ones who made that hopeful transfer
only to find he’s going on holiday for two weeks.
30-5-04
Greener recovered from his wounds to umpire for awhile on
Wednesday, although he did walk into a very large hedge on the
boundary. He said he was tired and a bit dazed since suffering
from concussion, Trev asked when was this, six years ago.
Saturday home league fixture was graced by the Cotswold’s version of Last
of the Summer Wine, who ambled around the boundary. Brian ‘Clegg’
Bright, Guy ‘ Howard’ Partridge, Warren ‘Truly’ Knock’ ,and Phil ‘ Smiler’ James. FT index was high on Saturday, just ask Psycho who
lived up to his name. Andy remember Dan’s a shy person with little
legs, you can’t frighten him into running two runs whilst shaking
hands in the middle of the wicket. The outcome was not too serious
though with Greener and Polo’s match winning partnership and a
good all-round bowling performance. Only negative result was two
red faced tea ladies (except George and one other lets have more
thank yous for the teas you ungrateful lot) who deserve an
apology, and a door with a bent hook.
On Sunday Kent ‘Ken’ Partridge added to his solo stance in the
Picky’s Porker Table on Sunday. Psycho bowled well at at the other
end without reward, hasn’t perfected the Porker yet despite a
couple of seasons at Birdlip. That all-rounder Trev ‘In the Echo’
Holder lived up to his reputation with the ball if not the bat
with a key wicket and frugal figures. New player Mike Davies
joined the ‘ I've been run out by Wardy’ club, in defence though
Rob ‘I’m not that quick’ Ward would have taken three, especially
as he hit it. Greener joined Towner’s WMD Club with a audible reek
and was rightly fined accordingly. With such competitiveness in
the Fantasy League, Sunday saw some dropped catches and some
difficult half chances, can we have an agreed definition of a
dropped catch. Psycho’s diving effort should be encouraged and not
penalised because a got one finger to it. You should always be
thanked if you get one finger to IT. |
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25-5-04 Trev was best man, again at a
work colleague’s wedding this Saturday, Jen prodded the question
will move on step further. Recent scores on Saturdays he wouldn’t
be missed, or might he have secured that winning run at
Churchdown, not if he repeated his golden from last visit to that
batting paradise. (I’m being very sarcastic, see Steady’s match
report).
We have a new bowling a-WARD. After Wardy’s 5 overs for 50 runs a
new category will soon appear. Picky will nominate its title to
add to his Porkers, (so send it in James). Seems ironic that
Cotter’s piss take of Wardy (who was there to receive it) last
Friday in the clubhouse, just failed to qualify on Saturday with 2
overs for 19. Only one run short, you must try less next time
Chris.
Biggest story of the weekend was Greener’s top edge and subsequent
swollen eye, trip to the hospital and 5 stitches. With Birdlip in
control at this point his departure ruined our day as moral
dipped, where’s the northern grit like his father. Its known his
dad suffered a similar fate but shrugged his shoulders, mopped the
blood with his hankie and went on and ‘gave it some’ in true
Yorkshire fashion.
Hope your enjoying the match reports. Andy Hieron thinks he is
writing the next best seller, Wednesday match reports carry a
license for artistic flare and flattery (for himself mostly).
Andy’s also very touchy with Trev’s editorial control, I’m sure he
has nothing to complain about. Steady’s weekend reports are
getting better and better, especially if you’re looking for a
small ingredient of controversy and cheek. |
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17-5-04
Back into another season some things haven’t changed, the spacebar
on Chris’ keyboard still not working judging by his
correspondence. Wardy flaunts with controversy when signalling a
wide when the ball came off Psycho’s ankle on Saturday. Mad Dog of
all people to stir up, Wardy was going to be Pedigree Chum until
he revoked his decision. Yorkshire’s
phone system was in turmoil, Greener kept phoning to check
progress of the game and jammed up the only line out of the
county. Pigeons only put into retirement last year after the new
fangled telephone thing was put in were being summoned back to
into active service. Objections by Ruardean were made because we
rolled the wicket at tea, the light roller was fine but Towner was
pushing it and that equated to an illegal heavy rolling.
Sunday brought new entries to the website, Charlie’s opening spell
a few weeks ago nearly gave him the honour of the first Pickies
Porker of the year but Kent sealed that distinction against
Chalford, hope your bruised toe gets better if you get my drift.
Tom’s knock included a six and no title as yet, (up for
suggestions) Wardy’s 5 overs for 50 runs starts this category
rolling.
Judgie gone racing away in the fantasy league, says it all about
judges demeanour. Time will tell though and already it's gained at
lot of interest with 20 teams entered, I'm not saying which
players Towner's entered!!!!!!!!!! |
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