31-5-08 BOGS (Birdlip Old Gits) Pars and Wardy was very scathing about me Saturday night. Firstly Trev had to correct them about no 2nds mentioned in my report as there was. Admittedly I can’t see everything and they have only themselves to blame if no one keeps me informed from the 2nds. Secondly they said “I suppose Trev will get mentioned a lot” in my report. I have no bias to anyone and the fact Trev got 63 runs hit 10 fours, also took 2 wickets will not mean he will be reported on. And he took a catch, I’m still not thinking about mentioning him.
Andy Hussey saw action for the first time this season, some said he was just making up the numbers
(he was) but he inspired Toby “Pretty Boy” (Andy’s words) Harris to a 5 wicket haul. Mind you one of his victims will certainly bring back Picky’s Porkers to the website. Despite a good drumming of the Ciren Boys, we saw more drops at Birdlip than a Jonny Wilkinson training session, even the reliable Ian has now dropped 3 on the bounce. His goalkeeping dive reminiscent of a Kevin Pressman (Sheff Wed) who had more pies than normal. Talking of pies (eating rather than throwing) I think salad dodger Darren has been modeling himself of the Towner chase, turn (yawn!) and throw.
2nds (yes you do get a mention) joined in the winning ways with James “Self A-” Buse giving it the treatment with the bat. James with Allen and Ron joining in, accumulated 8 sixes, anybody would think the Fox was bowling for the opposition. Saying that, the skipper played his part with 4 wickets and useful 17no, but the mumblings from his own troops are still ringing around the Shire of manipulated (Skipping does what he likes) child abuse for several games now.

The Mole Archive

24-8-04   Can Psycho and Towner keep their domestic tiffs private, who when and where the tractor is used only matters to Parsons when doing his favourite pastime, TRACTORRR WHAAATCHING.
The league season draws nearer and much to the delight of many, especially Towner, we are going up and Churchdown are staying PUT! Their departing comment recently “See you next year,” has as much accuracy in it as their wicket.
The lengths some people go to get a free drink. With only a two runs needed to easily beat Shurdington, hands gestures, shouting, smoke signals from the Barbie to Trev to say Greener needed only one run for his 50 and they were getting jug out ready. Facing the same bowler who he earlier creamed through square leg for four, Trev batted out the over for a maiden like Steady in a test match. It worked, cheers Ian.
Andy Heiron man of many talents, master of none so some say, Hi Claire, has the ability to grow a ginger beard, weird! Some one did call out the collar and cuffs don’t match (WHO WAS IT?), tooooo much detail thank you and no more peeping. Can we add Ginge to his array of nick names?
Sunday saw Pierre give a fine performance on our home turf of many strokes to many parts, a flawless display. Unfortunately it was with a paint brush rather than a cricket bat. Good done though and thanks to him and others, (Green’s Ian and Dave I know of) for varnishing the railings.
Although Picky nearly won his first match as captain and added 30 runs with Trev, it was the first time I saw the keeper out score the batsman with let through byes. Cornwood next time you come 3 wickets the first over of our innings is not the done thing, we have already patented the “Spoiler” years ago.

18-8-04 Not much happened this week, 1st Team bounce back on top after a marginal win over Down Hatherley, maximum points. During the match Andy’s mate Billy Bunter junior, so young yet such a good judge of character, called him a F**~ing W~#*er. Andy smiled back whilst watching his stumps go flying. Ruardean couldn’t stomach that oasis at Churchdown and cried off, pitch deemed unfit, WHAT!! Everybody else has played there and put up with it, it’s their loss though as we leaped frogged them into top stop.
No expense was spared on Sunday, Greener opened the bowling and right on cue the Red Arrows made a fly pass to honour the occasion.John Pedra came to the match with somebody else in his body (remember Men In Black with Will Smith), we know he bat a bit but 71 and maiden half century.
What a success the decking has been, looks good and well used already. More people have used it than Chris has called it a veranda, incorrectly spelt (don't you have spell checker, should of bought your computer from a decent shop), which it loads and loads. By the way Chris, definition of veranda is a roofed terrace, where’s the bloody roof?! All that aside what a great achievement, cheers

3-8-04  Ian came back Euro Disney and from the home of golf to participate in a low scoring win over Witcombe. He expressed his enjoyment in his European exploits especially his meeting with Minnie Mouse. Little did he know when he discretely felt her bum it was probably a Thai Boy Girl on a holiday job.
Trevor gained a new nickname “Elephant Man” after wearing a cricket ball at the Painswick Sixes. Yet another free spirit off to the shops to buy a helmet.  We unfortunately bowled ourselves out of the semi-final after three straight wins. Thanks to the supporters who came to watch us at Painswick and Down Hatherley.
We all have our opinions of Towner, but when I heard he sent a text message to Melissa, well. I’m afraid the excuse that it was Kent’s old mobile that Melissa now has wears a bit thin.
Things children say, drop you in it, embarrass you, make you go red. Not naming names but we’ve just mentioned her. It’s been said Allen likes a blond in a little black number, I won’t reveal which particular blond. By the way Tim not been introduced yet to your young lady!
What goes hueeee, hueeeee, hueeeeee on the porcelain phone and Oh shit I got to go home, get ready and get to Down Hatherley by 10.30am when the time is 9.30am and the location is Wardy’s Rough Cider Parlour. Steady! Main batsman at Down Hatherley, we needed you primed, not pissed. While we are on the subject of Wardy’s BBQ I’m led to believe Ben “Tea Time” Breeze has an ally amongst our ranks. He like’s to scavenge around for scraps of fat left on plates. Especially when already chewed, his delicacy then has MOORE (hint) tenderised texture to it. Yuk!

27-7-04 What an outcry! Out of all the teams we play against in the league who would be the most likely to give us six out of ten for our pitch? Does shit hole, bounce up and down like Psycho’s mood on a Saturday afternoon, hay on the outfield, trains every so often when on time, nowhere to sit inside, changing room ½ a mile away from the pitch, practice net barricaded in barbed wire. As Big Rob says “he rather bat on the M5”. Bristol Travellers on Sunday, after a match had already been played on it, still gave the pitch 10 out of 10.
At last some sneaking after somebody eaves dropped on an intellectual conversation.
Ben Breeze to Judgy "are you really a judge?"
Judgy "Am I f***!"
Later.
Ben Breeze to Judgy "what do you do?"
Judgy, "Global cheese marketing for Kraft."
Ben Breeze to Judgy, "where's that based?"
Jamer "Cheddar"

Sunday had a few surprises, not least three catches by Picky, two of which were taken at second slip, comfortable as you like. Some say he couldn’t catch a cold but his catching out shone his bowling Sunday, by some margin, 50 yards three times on the trot to be exact.
Dan Knock achieved a feat not thought possible on Sunday. A lovely spread for tea, plenty to go round and plenty left at the end of the night, with Disco and Ben ‘Tea Time’ Breeze still in the building it was almost shock of the season.

13-7-04 The double header against Stinchcombe brought it’s expected incidents. All started on Friday night, guess who in the pouring rain rolled and rolled an already rolled pitch. He came into the club house looking like a drowned rat with a cheesy grin. Guess who didn’t get the chance to bowl on it?
Only 4 and a bit overs was played by the first team. No time for aggro you would have thought, wrong. Popplewell ring a bell, déjà vu moment about to happen. Steady certainly had a pop at Popplewell when caught behind first ball. Failing to walk again, not even the four paces he did at their place before he returned when umpire Stevie Wonder didn’t give the decision. Will Young look-a-like who was umpiring had to put his finger up several times before he finally went in the direction Steady was pointing. The 2nds were left reeling at 12-3 and Stinchcombe were obviously keen to carry on when the rain stopped. Wonder if the pitch would have been deemed unfit if the roles was reversed. Thanks to Dave Green getting amongst the runs we wiped their face in the muddy conditions.
Thanks to Andy Moore and the rest of the gang who helped get Sunday off the ground. Steady who had a maiden ton in his sights will be buying Ditcher a Specsaver voucher and a rule book for Christmas. His run out was as close (pass the line) as any formula one driver is to Michael’s red Ferrari. Charlie Pritchard bowled the shortest two balls I have ever seen, no wonder he rubbed his shoulder after he virtually wound himself up, all but a few inches he nearly had to rub his toes instead. Andy Hieron kept wicket for awhile, kept the kids happy in absence of the bouncy castle, with his crocodile act. With Jamer bringing the sausages and Steady punchy from Saturday I feel there’s making of side show here. The court stood but Greener eluded a fine after hitting a six, over the shortest boundary, off the Chairman and promptly signalled it himself. Trev looked worried when summoned in front of the judge whom he bowled first bowl earlier in the day, bad move! A costly sentence.
Finally on a serious note, if Jen Bellamy ever does the teas again, I say ever after the insult, make sure Greener dose not sample the chocolate sponge. To you and me Scrumptious, to Ian stodgy and said in front of Jen as well. If meat balls are on the menu next time Jen dose teas, ask Ian if he still uses his box before eating them
Thanks to Ditch for his comments ref the website, much appreciated.

6-7-04 The Birdlip 49's played the first game on Friday against touring Roxborough. Trouble is with the memory of old boys is not up to much as only nine of them remember to turn up.
If any watchers of Friends can remember when Joey wore all of Chandlers clothes, we had a similar incident at Cirencester. The wind was blowing strongly across the ground which was not to Towner's liking. Next thing we saw was a more rotund than normal multi-layered Steve who looked like he robbed a jumble sale of all its white jumpers.
Cirencester became another victim of the first team in a fairly comfortable victory. Only down side was losing a batting point. When the scores were level and just that winning run required with 4 overs to do it, Charlie 'Gramps' Harris grew a trunk and big floppy ears and promptly gave extra cover catching practice.

21-6-04 The 1st and Wednesday's band wagon rolls on and with added wins from the 2nds and Sunday's teams it's been a good week. Andy Hieron holiday absence has witness no defeats and he's lucky players have dropped out to let him back into the team.
Usual fun and games at Shurdington although all ended friendly, not sure how friendly though. Depends if Towner took up their young batsmen's offer he received whilst he was fielding at very short mid on. He would have to take off the helmet he was wearing at the time to do so! Towner and Greener are obviously have differences, and apparently they differ in their affinity for hedges, so we found out at Shurdington. Whilst Towner pretended he was a bulldozer and ploughed right into the trees till we couldn't see him, to find the ball. Greener can only be describe as fornicating with the bushes, on his back with legs flinging around, for 1MINUTE, eventually retrieving the ball.
Sunday saw a convincing(ish) win against Chelt Police, a fixture from the past. Eric Moore was their captain, known to some of us from coming on our tours in the 80's. A proud wearer of the (missing) club ducks back then, was there a ploy by him Sunday because once he scored a run he retired injured and did the book. Would you have thought it a policeman doing paperwork instead of something practical! One thing to notice on Sunday was "Oops dropped catch" " Don't give me a ticket officer if you catch me speeding" "sorry bowler", not once but eight times. Judge Pick amused the court but not till after he amused us with his bowling. He had more abortive runs (whilst bowling) than an old bloke with prostate problems. With his little legs he could take two paces in the crease so where's the problem. Also amazingly on June 20th, yes several weeks into the season, the master himself, Mr Pick, finally captured his first PORKER. Over the years we have become accustomed to the Brockworth appetite, notably the Cookes brothers, where plates are never big enough. We now have in our band of mostly jovial cricketers a new breed of eater, evolution have taken place since the Brockworth boys, a more tactical mind. Not one to wait for 45 overs or 5 o'clock. Egging (excuse the pun) the batsmen to declare before they want to, clapping their innings just to confuse them. The problem for the captain on the day is he has adjust his batting ordered to fit in with the dumping arrangements. By the way have you met Ben Breeze, a new member of the club this year.

7-6-04 Wednesday’s visit to that batting paradise (cough cough) at Gloucester Harlequins saw another victory on the Hieron band wagon. Good send off before his holiday, but wait, he does play Saturday instead of packing his bags. Or did his good lady pack them for him? What surprises awaits him when he unpacks when he get’s there? Will he only have the underwear he’s wearing and emulate Parse on tour.
Greener also marches on with a comfortable win on Saturday. Nitin found there’s life after 28 runs but needed to draw blood (dropped catch -5 points) first to give him to impetus. A part from one incident the team like Wednesday’s all pulled together to achieve another enjoyable game with a winning result. We have seemed to up our game from last year in both competitions yet still play for the enjoyment and fun, long may the team spirit continue with the likes of Andy and Ian at the helm and winning matches can be the cherry on the top.
Talking of  team spirit, it doesn’t stop you from sending in any gossip so let me have any worthwhile info.
Have you ever seen precision engineering in a changing room. For players at Arcadians with had a demonstration from Towner of such exact, planned and beautifully executed fitting of not one but two bat handle rubbers. Bollocks was it, first one ripped, first cheer. Then stumps, mop and bit a shirt ( and probably stomach ) caught up, grunting, cursing, “Oh dear I shouldn’t have done that” all added to our amusement. Amazingly though he eventually succeeded.
Last weekend saw one or two last minute transfers take place, were you one of the unfortunate ones who made that hopeful transfer only to find he’s going on holiday for two weeks.

30-5-04 Greener recovered from his wounds to umpire for awhile on Wednesday, although he did walk into a very large hedge on the boundary. He said he was tired and a bit dazed since suffering from concussion, Trev asked when was this, six years ago.
 Saturday home league fixture was graced by the Cotswold’s version of  Last of the Summer Wine, who ambled around the boundary. Brian ‘Clegg’ Bright, Guy ‘ Howard’ Partridge, Warren ‘Truly’ Knock’ ,and Phil ‘ Smiler’  James. FT index was high on Saturday, just ask Psycho who lived up to his name. Andy remember Dan’s a shy person with little legs, you can’t frighten him into running two runs whilst shaking hands in the middle of the wicket. The outcome was not too serious though with Greener and Polo’s match winning partnership and a good all-round bowling performance. Only negative result was two red faced tea ladies (except George and one other lets have more thank yous for the teas you ungrateful lot) who deserve an apology, and a door with a bent hook.
On Sunday Kent ‘Ken’  Partridge added to his solo stance in the Picky’s Porker Table on Sunday. Psycho bowled well at at the other end without reward, hasn’t perfected the Porker yet despite a couple of seasons at Birdlip. That all-rounder Trev ‘In the Echo’ Holder lived up to his reputation with the ball if not the bat with a key wicket and frugal figures. New player Mike Davies joined the ‘ I've been run out by Wardy’ club, in defence though Rob ‘I’m not that quick’ Ward would have taken three, especially as he hit it. Greener joined Towner’s WMD Club with a audible reek and was rightly fined accordingly. With such competitiveness in the Fantasy League, Sunday saw some dropped catches and some difficult half chances, can we have an agreed definition of a dropped catch. Psycho’s diving effort should be encouraged and not penalised because a got one finger to it. You should always be thanked if you get one finger to IT.

25-5-04 Trev was best man, again at a work colleague’s wedding this Saturday, Jen prodded the question will move on step further. Recent scores on Saturdays he wouldn’t be missed, or might he have secured that winning run at Churchdown, not if he repeated his golden from last visit to that batting paradise. (I’m being very sarcastic, see Steady’s match report).
We have a new bowling a-WARD. After Wardy’s 5 overs for 50 runs a new category will soon appear. Picky will nominate its title to add to his Porkers, (so send it in James). Seems ironic that Cotter’s piss take of Wardy (who was there to receive it) last Friday in the clubhouse, just failed to qualify on Saturday with 2 overs for 19. Only one run short, you must try less next time Chris.
Biggest story of the weekend was Greener’s top edge and subsequent swollen eye, trip to the hospital and 5 stitches. With Birdlip in control at this point his departure ruined our day as moral dipped, where’s the northern grit like his father. Its known his dad suffered a similar fate but shrugged his shoulders, mopped the blood with his hankie and went on and ‘gave it some’ in true Yorkshire fashion.
Hope your enjoying the match reports. Andy Hieron thinks he is writing the next best seller, Wednesday match reports carry a license for artistic flare and flattery (for himself mostly). Andy’s also very touchy with Trev’s editorial control, I’m sure he has nothing to complain about. Steady’s weekend reports are getting better and better, especially if you’re looking for a small ingredient of controversy and cheek.

17-5-04 Back into another season some things haven’t changed, the spacebar on Chris’ keyboard still not working judging by his correspondence. Wardy flaunts with controversy when signalling a wide when the ball came off Psycho’s ankle on Saturday. Mad Dog of all people to stir up, Wardy was going to be Pedigree Chum until he revoked his decision. Yorkshire’s phone system was in turmoil, Greener kept phoning to check progress of the game and jammed up the only line out of the county. Pigeons only put into retirement last year after the new fangled telephone thing was put in were being summoned back to into active service. Objections by Ruardean were made because we rolled the wicket at tea, the light roller was fine but Towner was pushing it and that equated to an illegal heavy rolling.
Sunday brought new entries to the website, Charlie’s opening spell a few weeks ago nearly gave him the honour of the first Pickies Porker of the year but Kent sealed that distinction against Chalford, hope your bruised toe gets better if you get my drift. Tom’s knock included a six and no title as yet, (up for suggestions) Wardy’s 5 overs for 50 runs starts this category rolling.
Judgie gone racing away in the fantasy league, says it all about judges demeanour. Time will tell though and already it's gained at lot of interest with 20 teams entered, I'm not saying which players Towner's entered!!!!!!!!!!